funeral by the arcade fire

last spring my grandmom (dad's mom) died. there were ~30 people at the funeral, which was held outside on a cloudy day next to the hole in the ground where we she was buried, at the end of the funeral. my uncle gave a speech which ended with him crying. he used to make my grandmom sandwiches when he'd visit every sunday. he'd put the sandwiches in bags, which she would open and eat throughout the week. at the funeral he said it would be difficult waking up everyday and knowing that she wasn't there anymore.

last month my grandpop (mom's dad) died. there were ~120 people at his funeral. every one of his seven grandchildren gave a speech. most of us held back tears during our speech, or 'cracked' on certain words. some of us tried to slip in jokes to lighten the mood, which we repeatedly justified by saying that it's something our grandpop would have wanted done. about ten of his other relatives and coworkers, some who he hadn't seen in decades, gave short speeches. afterwards, at the ceremony held in my uncle's synagogue, there was a ~3 hour reception, where corned beef sandwiches and tuna and bagels and 2 kinds of coffee were served. looking on at all of her relatives chatting and eating, my dementia-ridden grandmother asked 'why is everybody laughing and smiling on this sad day?'

compared with my grandpop's funeral, i thought that it was sad that there were so few people at my grandmom's. i thought about how when someone dies, people only talk about their positive attributes and the ways they lived their life positively. its seems like, objectively, some people do have happier or more 'successful' or fulfilling lives than others.

in the days after my grandpop's funeral, i was motivated to 'live my life' like he did, in a fulfilling way, so there will be many people at my funeral. now i do not feel like i did then. now i feel like 'who cares how many people are at your funeral? you'll be dead then anyway you stupid dummy!' i still think you should be fulfilled, but maybe it's not so important how many people attend a service where they dig a hole and drop your corpse into the earth.